I am one of those girls who says I will never let a man walk all over me. I will never be played and accept. If he cheats he must walk. Its a nice thing to tell myself that I am empowered and can do as I please. However, realityis, now that I was in that very situation I felt like holding on even closer. We had worked so long and hard for this relationship, with a baby on the way meaning getting married should be the next logical step. Why then was breaking up the only thing he had on his table? Come on now. The reality I had just learned was that if he cheats and you love him, walking away is not easy especially if you are pregnant. I was not staying with him because I was scared of the economic implications of it even though I strongly considered it but because I loved my man and at that moment it felt as though I will be damned if I allow another woman to just waltz in and take him from me. Hell no! Sigh! The joys of being a woman.

In the morning I did not receive a message from him or call. This was not unusual though as he sometimes did that? Around ten someone knocked at the door. It was Aurelia. She had come all the way from Jhb to see me which was such a relief. I needed someone. When she saw me she just hugged me. She too started crying and that made me cry too. Its weird though because Aurelia was the one we considered the selfish proud one yet she was the one most available. She had brought with her groceries which made me laugh because I did not understand why. She explained that I was not alone in this so whatever she can help with to get her niece born she will do. Oh I was expecting a baby girl by the way. I know some people are superstitious about revealing the babies name, touching their pregnant stomach or even taking pictures of the baby within two months but I am not one of them. Come on now! Thats ridiculous! I already had names I was playing with in my head so I did not really care.

I want to take you out. You cant stay in the house so today you and I are going shopping!

She said cheerfully through those tears. She was trying to lift up my spirits but I was feeling so low I doubt she could.

You cant go shopping when you are pregnant. You get tired easily and nothing looks good on you.

I told her. She obviously would hear none of that. She forced me to bath and get ready. When I was done I asked her if she had called the cab already. She laughed and said we did not need a cab. We had a car. A car? From where. I asked her if she had bought a car or borrowed it. She said it was hers, in her name even and no her parents did not buy it. She looked at my face for approval. I knew exactly what she was telling me. Some rich man had bought it for her. This is why I say that Aurelia changed on us. Her beauty attracted so many rich men in our first year clearly she had failed to hold out. Now however when I looked at it, she was better off with her rich guys than me who was pregnant, with a cheating man who could barely afford us as is. I could not help but wonder if a rich guy like hers had made me pregnant would I be bound to suffer like I was now. At times our pride gets in the way of reason. When we got downstairs she had a white 1series. It even had her name on it as number plates. I asked her where she got it and she said she was dating some rich guy called Frank.

He is not old at all. He is 48 and recently divorced!

I dont know about you but being 23 meant for me he was flipping old. I did not want to criticise her because with my young guy I had not fared better. Most South African guys are losers I now totally accepted, no wonder why these foreign guys come and take all the beautiful women! They dont appreciate us! I wanted to cry again but did not want to mess up her red leather interior! O what it means to be poor!

We went Menlyn where we had lunch. It was fun though. Never seen so many black people in one mall at one time! Ok I lie, go to Pavilion in Durban if you want to see more! We couldnt even shop because it was too packed. Most people were there to just window shop so the crowd kept moving. After a few hours she took me home. We spoke about everything except for what had happened which I think was cool because I did not want to cry again. She had to go through which was rather sad but I will be fine. When she left I unpacked the groceries she had brought but before I could sit down there was a knock on the door.

I went to open it and there stood Zama. Really! After the day I had had!

She asked me from outside the door. There really truly is a thin line between love and hate! I loved this girl once so much now I hated her!

Hi Mike first and far most let me apologise for my long email, I always read up other peoples letters and I thought I should also put my story in writing so I can also be advised by your readers. Let me start off by saying I have come to notice how being a yellow bone or light skinned women has taken the lime light which is a good at times and a bad thing sometimes I guess I am 31 years of age, successfully independent, no child but single not by choice but circumstances. Guy 1 (successfully independent + no child) we both loved each other but we couldnt date because he was in a relationship out of respect I didnt want to be the reason his relationship ended.I know some people always say you get/ snatch a partner from another person but I believe that do to others as you would have them do to you.so that was it at that moment Guy 2. (Not independent /Unemployed + Child) we dated for almost a year and found out that he is not who said he was about his family, child, education and work. I felt betrayed and as a result the relationship ended simply because I was scared of this person and I did not trust him anymoreGuy 3 (Successfully independent, no child) I have known him before guy 1 2 and he always showed interest in me but the reason I never took him seriously is his behaviour or rather how he has been dating different women same area as myselfas such I concluded that he is a player.I know sometimes we women ask for too much but sometimes before you date a person you want to track his behaviour or how he handle themselves and as a result no women or rather I cannot consider giving a guy who has been with most women in the same area a chance to be my man.. you want a man who has less drama.. so guy 3 is in a relationship with another women but now that he knows my relationship with guy 2 has ended he wants to be in a relationship with me + he wants to end his relationship with his women because I am the only women for him.I like guy 3 as a person but I cant bring myself to fall in love with him or consider having a serious relationship with him. Guy 4 (Not independent /Unemployed + Child)- after guy 2 experience I asked all the question I wanted to know about guy 4 just so that history does not repeat .well the guy is not working and have no qualification of some sort to earn a living..he has a child and he told me about his music career dream and how he will be making moneyafter our date I became honest with him that I am not ready to date while I know the issue is not that..I know some people will call me unfair or I have standards.. We live in a society where at my age the expectation is that you should be married and you are settled with your own family..which is why sometimes women end up finding themselves in situations of guy 3..you desperately want to be in a relationship so bad that a typical male fool you about their identity. What hurts me most is I have been raised to be a women who has self-respect meaning one man at the time and no cheating or wasting each others timealso go to school and be independent so you could be a good help to your future husband but the guys I meet except for guy 1 4 they are complete jerks also it seems like guys who are Not independent /Unemployed + Child is a trend .. I dont know if its places I go to or maybe being a so called yellow bone and being skinny makes one attracts guys who have no goals or ambitions in life having a child and being an independent guy is something else but have both vs me who is independent and have no child how is that fair though ? love on its own is not enough considering that I want whats best for my future family and the fact that I grew up in a poor family and getting to where I am today I worked hard which is why I wouldnt wish my children to grew up the way I grew up.

1. I know its not easy or usual to find an independent guy who is single / single without a child but I am not a home wrecker which is why I am dont have interest in married men and the connections/ bond between me and guy 1 is still there because of how we behave around each other till this day BUT I find it difficult to be a side dish with the aim to snatch a guy from his woman.

2. Yes I am independent and after what I have been through I refuse to settle for less I often hear people talk about lowering the standards.what standards though? is it a bad thing to look or accept a man who is independent/ legally hustling (Not rich ) and who will be able to provide for his family?

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chapter was too short, please release a book.

Neo cc, there are single/independent guys out there, i guess your prince charming hasnt arrived yet, i know am gonna sound cliche mangithi just be patient uyeza. your Standards are not high @ all they are normal to any independent woman who wants a sustainable future Dont settle for less everything happens in Gods timing.

@Neo girl you have answered your own question in point 2 above. You are unnecessarily putting pressure on yourself, so what if you will meet your soul mate at age 35? If it was meant to be, it will be. You have set standards for yourself id say stick to them; just enjoy life and you will meet your match. Oh and being yellow bone has nothing to do with what you are going through it happens to everyone (Im also an independent, still single yellow bone in my late 30s by the way and have no intention of settling for less)

I am thoroughly inspired by women like you Gogo. Women who do not give in to societal pressures and enter into relationships and marriages they do not want just so they can fit in and be accepted. I am in awe and i do hope your prince charming comes soon, thats it you are looking for one to start with.

Thanks Mosh, patiently waiting for him but living my life to the fullest. I believe happiness is a personal effort you dont wait for someone to make you happy but you spread the happiness in you to those around you.

Finding a perfect match for oneself is one of the hardest thing to do in this world, oh wait, maybe we are trying to hard whereas we should relax. From your story I picked that you are stressed and kind in pressure to finding the right man for you and that will only lead you to making wrong decision. secondly nobody is perfect even ourselves we do have our mistakes, weaknesses thats why sometimes we have to lower our standards so we may be able to have empathy for everybody we meet, although never settle for what you know you dont deserve. So far the best advise I could give you is to concentrate on loving yourself, stop confusing yourself, just relax and in no time the right guy will come knocking at your door talking from experience. God Bless You Dear And May he Give You All The Desire Of Your Heart.

You are not being unreasonable but making a lot of sense. Guy 2 and 4 are both unemployed and have babies= Baby mama drama+ you taking care of either and overall relationship strain. You need a practical guy which is what Im hearing from you but yeah an unemployed baby daddy in his 30s will be the worst as you want someone who can contribute to life and to your futures. Guy 1 and 3 have baggage so why not date outside your industry; age set; race etc. If a successful black man wont consider you a catch then a Caucasian/Asian/Creole/even a black foreigner will.

Rumblings are forever short compared to other stories. But good one Mike, youre the best.

Neo: So all that long story just to put it across that you attract douchebags? Go figure.

Look, you need to stop attempting fate, if it was that you shall meet a guy, equally successful and more, that you shall wed be happy ever after, then so it shall be.

But if it is to be that you will end up paying for your own lobola, and wedding expenses and be happy, with a dude chasing his dream, who will appreciate and love you, fill the void of NOT having a salary by being a Man and more without monetary value, then thats not totally unheard of either.

You know what you want, or so it seems, but what you want may not be what you necessarily need. Life is drafted in a way that humbles a naked human eye, just reflect on your life up until this point, make yourself divine and just figure out how you went through primary, secondary and tertiary without a regte. Once you answer yourself that, you will know how to proceed with your lovelife.

Remember, many successful single woman out there, plenty of sperm donours as well if you need a kid Decide whats important and make a decision that will make you happy, you dont need a Man or a Ring to live happily fairytale.

you dont need a man or a ring to live a happily fairytale! profound statement right there. We shall be emancipated from the patriarchal system that seeks to suggest that women are inadequate or incomplete without men and incapable of living fully successful and fulfilling lives! You are the future man! with that said, can i just tell you how much i admire you looool

Thanx abuti Mike for yet another good read Aurelia is such a good friend indeed,all this makes perfect sense now ,the minute Mudenda thought faith was cheating he wanted to leave her on the spot because it was a way out for him, it seems like he dont want faith no more.

Neo its really not easy finding a bf especially one that will truly love u and stay let alone finding Mr right or a guy of ur standards u are not alone and not the only yellow bone thats not finding the man that she wants its not even abt being yellow boned like some1 said already,I know u feel like the clock is ticking but settling for less wont help because its not what u want and it wont last, just spend time with ppl close to ur heart family n friends and stop stressing stop looking for a while he will find u. Goodluck!

To Neo,I know exactly how you feel and people dont understand. Is painful to be in your late 20s to late 30s without a stable relationship or own family. Im als2o independent without a man or kids. Is frustrating at times considering everywhere you go you always asked when is the big day or when are you having kids. I prayed about it but now I gave up. Is not because youre yellow bone or slender, Im bootyliciuos and fair in complexion (beautiful African woman), get compliments left, right and centre. But I put everything to God as Im not willing to settle for less. Men nowadays will even tell you you have money so we will have a better future, never commit due to desperation.

1 guy who believes I have money wants to pay lobola but I refused since he always wants the best for him and his child. I cant settle for the sake of having a man.

Im planning to change my hanging spots and doing things differently, maybe Ill meet my soul mate then. All the best Neo

Dont give into societys standards on relationships. Its your life, live it how you see fit and dont even think of lowering your standards to attrack a man. Dont be desparate to settle down as this would cause you to settle for just about anything. You know what you want and its out there. Youre not unreasonable at all.

Neo u are not alone my darling, we are too many is just that if u are in a situation like this u feel like u are alone.Am also 30s working independent with no child, I just wait for God to give me the right person. All the best

Neo i feel you sisiim in a similar situation though i come with a child and im only 25yrs and totally independent.i have been single for a year and half now cz i dont see potential or rather i dont meet man to meet me halfway, however what i can say to you is the right man for u will eventually come and u will know..dont lower your standards they not even high to begin with u just want an ordinary jack dt affords himself thrs nothin wrong with that..my pastor alwas says we wmen are so impatient we ask God for a man and we not willing to wait for God to ansa hence we find ourselves wt douchbags. I believe your God is seeing you through this and hs preparin your man..be patient, ask for him in prayers and let God handle itall the best

Your partner is so right. Thats why we end attracting this idiots because we are not waiting upon God to bless us.

l am a single, childless, degreed, working and furthuring my career 27 year old guy looking for a woman like you

i wish that faith has the strength to move on from that guy cz he is not worth it i know its easier said than done but its not impossible

Eish Neo darling i say u shuld stand by what u believe and were raised to belive cz those are good morals, dont take another womans man whether u know the woman or not cz shuld the tables turn u wuld not be happy if it happned 2 u, and also in terms of guy 4 its tough cz i also dont believe that Love alone is enough, cz love wont put a roof over ur head, food on the table, clothes 4 the kids etc, im not saying ladies shuld go after rish men but atleast he must have a source of income cz men where created as the head and providers and even if u didnt mind but in the long run men have pride ego and if he cant provide u doing all the providing and u happen to have male colligues who have a source of income ur relationship mostly becomes abusive as he cant handle it,

Neo Aaay what a long boring letter.ppl are not perfect and by the way whats wrong with a guy with a child??? Does that mean u will have 2 mother that child??? I think u need to pipedown and stop critisizing every guy you meet while u @ it

lolTean u want 2b her Ben10, mina I believe ukuthi true love allows 4 compromise to a certain degree & no1 is really perfect

Zama ema pele maan!Neo mathata a gago a mantsi maan,wish u all the best.

Neo dear i feel u sister, im kinda in da same ctuationyoung in mid 20s and independent but single ah and bliv u me its not a nice feeling at All. I was content with being single as i broke up with ma bf early this year and it was so painful but i got over it, for a while i convinced myself that im happy but now im feeling so lonely it hurts but i am so proud to hear that u arent givin into temptation n not desperate enuf to date someone elses men Ive been down dAt road n i must say it makes u even more miserable so just relax dear ur Mr rite will come at the rite tym

Neo dear i feel u sister, im kinda in da same ctuationyoung in mid 20s and independent but single ah and bliv u me its not a nice feeling at All. I was content with being single as i broke up with ma bf early this year and it was so painful but i got over it, for a while i convinced myself that im happy but now im feeling so lonely it hurts but i am so proud to hear that u arent givin into temptation n not desperate enuf to date someone elses men Ive been down dAt road n i must say it makes u even more miserable so just relax dear ur Mr rite will come at the rite tym

Neo email me lets do lunch if ur around Pretoria m 32 with one kid,.za I like your style.

Settling for less should never be an option on the basis that a man will never settle for just any woman to make her wife. Neo what you need to do is change your social circle. Upgrade . A man who meets your standards is out there.

Remember even if youre succesfully independent , the role of a man is to provide and protect. If a man can provide he has the ability to protect . By providing I dont specifically mean financially , theres a lot a man can provide . So look for those two qualities before anything else. The rest will simply fall into place.

Neo there is nothing wrong with not wanting to settle for less. I understand exactly what you are going through. I am independent myself and content with everything that God has blessed me with, however I am single and it gets very lonely sometimes. I am not desperate but there are days when you come back from work and wish you had someone to talk to about how your day was, someone whom you going to cuddle with after a hectic day with back to back meetings and it is rather very sad. There are times where you go to a mall and get depressed when you see couples holding hands but I know it will get better. I do believe though that I will find the man that I pray for. Gods time is always the best and you will find someone. Stop focusing so much on what society expects of you. Find a hobby and take your mind off being single. I had a chat with one of my colleagues yesterday and she was telling me I was too serious about life and that I intimidated men hence I am single. She insinuated I lower my standards and will be able to find someone , that is rubbish by the way. You should never ever settle for less because you will end up resenting that person if you do. I would rather be single than date someone random for the sake of having a partner. Never settle for less Neo the man that you want with the qualities that you need is somewhere looking for you too. You just need to be patient and pray about him and when you least expect it God will bestow blessings upon your way! Good Luck.

You are so on top of your game! Lovin every moment!

Please try this dating site. someone I know got married via this site. Sisi keep all your standards do not compromise on them. I tell all young unmarried women/men without children, if you can, do not marry a person with a child/children because I know that it does complicate things most times. As I say if you can, the decision is yours, also people out there can lie & pretend they are something they are not. Keep your chin up & seek the best for Neo! May the Lord go before you & undertake for you.

that Zama girl deserves an ass wiping mxm, traitor!

Neo standards are there to remind you of what you are worth. Lowering your standard is the same as lowering your worth. See when God created woman He was showing off and although God created Eve for Adam. Adam found Eve , what I am trying to say is the right man will find you! Also pray about the man you want as much as you talk about it. Gods timing is perfect, He is never late just trust Him.

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